Fuck him.

One astute whippersnapper over at Bleacher Report has decided that everyone’s favorite dog electrocution specialist/worst-ever-Pro-Bowl-quarterback Michael Vick would make a great Packer.

And somewhere, Peter King is weeping.

Jay Mariotti wants you to know that it’s your fault some asshole illegally filmed Erin Andrews through her hotel room wall.

Let’s take a look at Mariotti’s latest exercise in melodrama:

“This is the decade when sports stopped being about sports.”

“…Am I blaming bloggers for helping create the daily sex-and-objectification culture that turned Andrews into an ongoing peep show on their Web sites?  Damn right I am. “

“And I wish they’d grow up — now, today, yesterday — before they continue to dumb-down what is left of sports journalism and plunge it into an inescapable sewage pit. “

“If this is the American Way, what happened to the truth and justice part? “

“I think I’ll take a good, long look at the peephole the next time I’m in a hotel room.” (Don’t flatter yourself, Jay.)

“[I] wonder what the hell happened to my profession.”

There’s not any new themes in this latest edition of Jay Mariotti’s Self-Righteous Anger Minute.  The internet is ruining journalism, bloggers are basement-dwelling perverts who need to get a life, sports were better before _____ happened, etc.

For the record, I don’t know anyone who condones the blatant invasion of Ms. Andrew’s privacy or thinks that it wasn’t morally reprehensible.  But to suggest that “the Internet’s” tongue-in-cheek infatuation with Erin Andrews led to the filming or release of this tape is dumb.

By Friday, we will know.  Maybe.

Donald’s Designated Driver analyzes the bizarre Texas law that declares possession of cough syrup without prescription to be just as bad as rape, and how it could affect Johnny Jolly.

Texas sure have a creative criminal justice system.

It started in the early hours of this morning, and it shows no sign of stopping.

Evidence

It started as a high-minded conversation about why Muslims and liberals are evil, but quickly devolved into insults about unfaithful wives.

More Evidence:

At first glance, Bleacher Report seems like a quasi-legitimate sports news website.  Some stories from Bleacher Report could easily be imagined on the front page of ESPN.com (UFC 100: Octagon Girls of the Past and Present) or in a Rick Reilly column (Lamar Odom: “O-done” with the Los Angeles Lakers?)

While reporters for ESPN and other players in mainstream sports media may be hacks, they’re professional hacks who have to at least ground their reporting in facts and reason, and their reporting generally has at least a shred of significance to the average viewer.  The same can’t be said of the esteemed contributors to Bleacher Report.  They’re just plain old hacks.  And they usually have no idea what the hell they’re talking about.

Case in point, this conspiracy theory from some clueless fan about Favre intentionally losing games for some dumb reason or another:

As for the Jets, they ultimately profited from Favre’s brief time there. Yet they were just a pawn in Favre’s game.   The enemy was the Packers. For their grief, they get just a third round pick out of Favre—not the second rounder or the potential three first round picks possible if the Jets had dealt him.

I’ve heard more coherent and logical theories from my toaster.

Aside from the just plain dumb, there’s the just plain pointless, evidenced by this Packers fan giving his entirely arbitrary predictions for the Madden ratings for Green Bay’s players, ratings which happen to have already been released.

You’re also sure to find an inordinately large amount of uninformed analysis.  Reading one of CheeseheadTV’s exceptional articles breaking down new defensive schemes or contract negotiations puts Bleacher Report to shame.

And for God’s sake, why does Bleacher Report show up in Google News?  If I wanted to hear 30 random assholes offering their fascinating opinions and speculation about Brett Favre, I’d turn on SportsCenter.

Via the New York Post, we now know that Aaron Rodgers has been seen “cozying up with” grapefruit heiress and swimsuit model Julie Henderson (Thank God for the New York Post and its journalistic integrity–get with it New York Times!)

Insert grapefruit/breast joke here.

Former Bears QB and noted Sex Cannon Rex Grossman will sign with the Houston Texans.

This appears to have been a master move by the ingenious mega-agent, Drew Rosenhaus.  Surely, on a team that has long been starved for talent at the quarterback position, Sexy Rexy will find himself on top of the depth chart in no time.

Wait, what’s that?  He’s going to be battling some guy I’ve never heard of to be the third string quarterback?  Behind Dan Orlovsky?  Scramble-out-of-the-endzone-for-a-safety Dan Orlovsky?  Oh….